| so its been a long time.
i was in china for 4 months. xanga is banned there so i stopped updating and i guess jsut never got back into it.
china made me lose 20 pounds. who knows why-- i didnt try to lose it.. well no, i'm ALWAYS trying to lose it.. its just i didn tdo anything different from normally.
while 20 lbs is certainly nice, im still not skinny. just 'healthy'. I dont know if thats what i want. i never know what i want. and now im purging everyday because of all the greasy american junk comfort food that is available around me. and ohmygosh does it ever feel good to eat it. i just hate the way i am. i hate who i become and how i plan my day.
but why cant i stop? well i CAN stop. today im so fucking close to not doing it.. its 9 pm already. and i know that i hate it, i know that it will hurt, i know that it is likely that the food wont even come out. but i just feel incomplete without doing it, as if my day hasnt ended. im so tempted right now to run to the corner deli and just buy a huge steak and cheese and chips and ice cream and eat it while watching tv. and then after i purge it i can just pass out in bed from exhaustion.
i have to stop though, because this is no way to live =(
im trying to take my mind off it, one day at a time, starting tonight. I cleaned my room and experimented with eyeshadow. Its still not enough though, and I'm still tempted. So next up I'm going to call my boyfriend I guess, but he isn't the most understanding / supportive when it comes to my bulimia. It's hard for him to understand why I do it.
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the body is under there somewhere.. hiding under all the fat. |
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| i went to boston over the weekend with friends from college.
it was so much fun, i really love spending time with them.
but of coruse, fun = letting down my guard about food, so all weekend was pretty much stuffing my face whenever i felt like it.
now the hard part is getting back into the schedule. i believe i can do it!
there were some bikini photos... haha definitely not attractive and a real motivator for me to get back on track.
today was pretty bad but tomorrow will be better, i promise myself. |
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| today was a so-so day intake/outtake-wise.
1 cup pasta: 400
5 chicken nuggets w/ mustard: 170
a WHOLE BAG OF GRAPES OMG : ?400?
chips: 260
total: 1330 ...the fuck? did not feel like so much.
exercise: -500
total: 730
definately not great.
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